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City Unlisted, Original Work

Careless Whisperers

Since Scarlett Johansson first pouted her way into our hearts in “The Horse Whisperer,” variations on that clandestine title have achieved success in Kardashianesque proportions.

Cesar Milan, AKA “The Dog Whisperer,” is arguably America’s best known among this set, having parlayed his no-nonsense canine advice into a hit show, five best-selling books, and countless television appearances in which he peddles his ideas for pooch parents.

Although it seems that one of these so-called experts would be more than enough, countless imitators have sprung up in the years since Milan’s entrance on the scene. While the rising numbers of people billing themselves as experts on everything from crystals to cats may seem like a joke, it’s the whisperers who are laughing all the way to the bank.

Check out some of our favorite whispery wonders below:

The Clutter Whisperer: For most New Yorkers, cleaning the apartment consists of little more than busting out the Swiffer.  For those with a more serious cleaning conundrum, there’s Cynthia Kienzle, the Clutter Whisperer. Organizing everything from penthouses to purses, Kienzle operates by a strict ethical code, as detailed on her website, and can color-code a closet like nobody’s business. The upside? Your apartment will never look better and you won’t have to lift a finger. The downside? She can’t fix the laziness that necessitated her help in the first place.

The Rock Whisperer: When most girls hear the words “begin a love affair,” they’re hoping the sentence ends with “a handsome doctor.” For Krista N. Mitchell, it ends with “crystals and stones.”  Don’t mistake this self-proclaimed “Rock Whisperer” as some run-of-the-mill new age kook: Mitchell believes that “crystals and stones are sentient beings – the physical incarnation of divine and earth energies.” Even if present-day you isn’t in the market for a bunch of rocks for your house, Mitchell, a certified past life reader, might just be able to conjure up a former you that is.

The Baby Whisperer: Hush little baby, don’t say a word, we’ve paid for this woman’s advice to keep you quiet. Tracy Hogg, known as “The Baby Whisperer,” is a mom’s secret weapon: someone who can keep your baby happy and calm, but doesn’t require a weekly salary or a room in your house. Hogg promises her approach will yield parental self-confidence, baby respect, and maybe even a couple of date nights in between.

The Game Whisperer: Have you ever sat down to a board game with a friend, only to think, “Boy, I wish there was a surefire way to guarantee nobody would want to play this with me again?” Surprisingly enough, you’re not alone.  Richard Bliss, known to some as “The Game Whisperer,” is a board game industry analyst who knows the ups and downs of the game industry and isn’t shy about talking about it, and his gaming prowess, at extreme length. While it may seem that Bliss’ main job is to suck the fun out of your family Monopoly night, his unconventional line of work has taken him to gaming conferences all over the world. How do you like them Apples to Apples?

The Room Whisperer: Wishing someone could take your room from banal to boudoir? Fear not, there’s a guy for that. Ron Norsworthy, better known to Tyra fans as “The Room Whisperer,” knows exactly how to take your living space from dull to divine, making even the most cramped New York nests feel downright spacious with light-boosting blinds and the ever-princessworthy contribution of a chandelier. Feel like your space needs a more masculine style? Don’t worry about a thing – this is the guy behind the peach eating perfection in LL Cool J’s “Doin’ It” video.

About Sarah Crow

Writer, natural redhead, semi-professional napper.


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