(Originally published by GQ)
Forget the eggplant. Or the donut. These are the best Bat Signals… for sex.
As Alabama governor Robert Bentley found out the hard way, turning emoji texts into a bone sesh isn’t always as simple as it looks—especially when you’re sending them to the wrong woman. Bentley’s mistake didn’t end at sending texts intended for his mistress to his wife, who immediately knew that her husband wasn’t romantic enough to text her a fucking rose emoji (the tears). His plan to secure some action with an emoji that the most insecure teenagers would consider corny was doomed from the start.
Keeping things fun and sexy is about so much more than throwing an eggplant or donut into the mix once in a while. It’s about setting the right mood and conveying just how much you care without risking finger strain from typing actual words.
Worst emoji for getting it in:
🔞 Going to jail, going to jail, hey-o we’re all going to jail.
🦀 I mean, it happens to the best of us, but I wouldn’t advertise.
🏧 There isn’t enough mouthwash in the world.
🎩 My parents have dealt with the the spider problem in their basement, m’lady.
⛳️ I’m sure you could make some kind of joke involving the word “hole” here, but you’re basically just admitting that she’s going to be bored for the whole afternoon.
👯 Two girls? Strippers? They’re reviving The Playboy Club? Let’s do this.
☔️ Thank you for not making anyone text the word “wet.”
🎟 All the class of pretending we’re going on a movie date and all the kindness of not making anyone prep two holes.
⚔ Nobody wants to guess what you’re into.
♻ Predictable, dependable, eco-friendly, no stretching required.
About Sarah Crow
Writer, natural redhead, semi-professional napper.
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