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Lemondrop, Original Work

8 Scary Sex Tips From Fox News

Since the dawn of people gettin’ freaky, there have been other individuals proclaiming themselves — whether justly or not — “sexperts.”

While some of these doyens of doing it are worth their salt (Ian Kerner is one of our favorites), there are others who will tell you, without a trace of irony, to eat pastry off a man’s penis.

Some of our favorite fornicating faux pas come by way of the sexperts at Fox News, whose recommendations often turn out to be mind-boggling reminders that misogyny is alive and well, rather than useful tips for spicing up your sex life. Here are some of our favorite unsexy suggestions:

Facebook is the new porn? “With visits to porn sites down 33 percent in the United States in the last two years, social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace have become the primary playground — and quite likely the key to cheap thrills — for 18-to-24-year olds.” We don’t know about you, but nothing gets us hotter than fully clothed girls with duckface.

On role play: “How can he refuse the prostate exam from his hot-to-trot doctor? How can she not bend over to make sure that everything is A-OK down there?” Easily, Dr. Sexpert, easily.

A suggestion for pre-spanking dirty talk: “Now lift up that beautiful bum. I’m about to start a little fire.” Call us old-fashioned, but the mention of “bum fire,” figurative or literal, is our cue to exit the bedroom.

How to get her juices flowing: “Contrary to popular belief, a bigger bouquet is not necessarily better. The secret to sexual seduction is the simple, single red rose. But you don’t stop there: Add a card you’ve written professing a sweet nothing that will have her own Kama Sutra ‘lotus petals’ in full bloom.” Ewwwwwwww. 
A sexual resolution for the New Year: “Always ask to see ID and carry a condom.” ASK TO SEE ID? Unless your go-to pick-up spot is a high school prom, this step might come off a little more serial killer than seductress.

What to do if she starts crying: “As she’s starting to look like Alice Cooper and the black mascara is dripping off her chin, tell her she is still beautiful to you when she cries. Even if you are lying.” Other hints for a healthy relationship: Once she stops crying, tell her the black she’s wearing to that funeral is slimming, even if you don’t really care!

On traveling to get in the mood: “If art isn’t really your thing, how about food? Eating street food all along the narrow alleyways of Macau is a remarkably sexy experience.” Nothing makes a girl want to hitch a ride on the love train like a stomach full of pork buns.

On taking time to get your sexy back: “Forget the ‘I don’t have the time for that stuff.’ If you had cancer, you’d find the time to fight it.” Likewise, if you were forced into sensitivity training, you’d make time to attend.

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About Sarah Crow

Writer, natural redhead, semi-professional napper.

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